I Tried To Write About My Mother

There is one thing that I don’t talk about. That is my relationship with my mother. If and when I do, it’s on very rare occasion, and usually after a few glasses of wine and only if someone asks me about her. To most, I simply say the words “Oh, my mom and I don’t have a relationship,” and that is that. Then to a select few, it’s a little bit more, but I’ll shut it down right before I really start to feel.

I have have been sitting here staring at a blinking cursor for a solid three minutes now, as I am trying to figure out just what this essay is or will become. I honestly have no idea. There is so much to say, but I won’t say it. What I will say is that I read a book a couple of years ago and it completely changed me. It opened my eyes in regards to some of the people in my life. Three in particular. One being my mother and the other two being “good friends”. The book helped me understand why these people in particular had a certain power over me. These people could make me feel like there was something dying in my heart and in my soul. They could say one thing and send me into an immobilizing darkness that would last a week or more. They could make me doubt myself and all that I know to be good that surrounds me with just a few piercing words or lack there of. Two of these people are no longer in my life. They are a part of my story and for that I am thankful.

There goes that cursor again.

Written by: James Kicinski-McCoy

James Kicinski-McCoy is the 30-something Founder and Editor-In-Chief of The Bleu. She likes tequila, picks fights with her husband so she can have the bed to herself, and is trying to figure out that work / life balance.

4 Comments

  1. Bee

    May 9, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    Narcissism- I know it *ALL* to well. Took me many years into motherhood to realize, in therapy, why my mother made me feel the way she does.
    Nothing much to say about it except I understand, and when you encounter someone else, someone new, and start to feel those same disconcerting feelings….we know to run!
    XOXO

    Reply
  2. Charlotte

    May 9, 2019 at 4:27 pm

    Mother and daughter relationships are rarely straightforward. I find it so hard to write a mother’s day card and harder to tell you why. My mother is a strong woman and there is love between us, but we do not know or recognise each other. As a mother myself, I have found her approach to mothering increasingly confounding. We are a million miles from each other yet the bond is unbreakable. But I am myself. And thankful for that. And she is herself. And you are you. And you are doing your four proud. And I am doing my three proud. And we both know that about ourselves. And that’s pretty awesome! X

    Reply
  3. Chloe

    May 9, 2019 at 10:15 pm

    It’s an unfortunate club to be in, but our members are stronger and softer than they ever realized they could be. This resonates so deeply. The sample from the book was eerily spot-on. Thanks for a helpful reading recommendation. Not sure when I’ll be ready to read it, hah! But I will.

    Reply
  4. Luisa

    May 12, 2019 at 5:13 am

    I understand this so well. In my life I have hoped that having had a mother who didn’t and doesn’t really mother me as I would have needed has made me a better mother to my daughter.

    Reply

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